A drunk guy gets up from the bar and walks to the bathroom. A few minutes go by and a loud, scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes later, another loud scream echo's through the bar.
The bartender walks into the bathroom to check out what the drunk is screaming about. What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the other patrons!"
The drunk replies, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and each time I try to flush, something squeezes the heck out of my balls."
The bartender opens the door and looks in. You fool! You're sitting on the mop bucket!
A man decides to leave early from work and go out drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is very drunk. When he gets to his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
Falling down wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had two empty half-pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass cut up his butt something terrible. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he had cut himself. A couple of minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed he was bleeding, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he fixed the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his butt was hurting, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where did you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped and had a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a joke," she said, "You got plastered last night.
"What makes you so positive I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first clue was when I walked into the bathroom this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
A bear goes into a local bar in Billings, Montana and sits at the bar. The bear bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender walks up and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very upset now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the back of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the back of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs."
The bear says, "I don't do drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now, that was a Bar-bitch-you-ate."
A drunk man walked into a bar, sat down at the bar, sat a small cardboard box on the bar, and ordered a beer. After the beer came, he opened the box, pulled out a little piano and bench and set them on the bar, then asks for another beer. When the beer came, he reaches into the box, pulls out a frog, sat him on the piano bench and said, "PLAY FROG". The frog immediately began to play the piano.
The man asks for another beer, and when it came he reached into the cardboard box and pulled out a small black mouse. He set this mouse on top of the piano and said "SING MOUSE". The frog began to play the piano and the mouse began to sing.
A guy at the bar who was watching all of this walks up to the man and asks to buy this little band that the man had. After a bit of negotiating, the drunk guy agrees to sell it to the man for $1000. The man put everything into the cardboard box and ran out the door before the drunk could change his mind.
The bartender had been watching all of this goings on and said to the drunk "You fool! You just sold that little critter band you had for $1000 and you could have made a fortune off of it!"
The drunk laughed and said "I'm not the fool, the guy who purchased it is. Do you really think I would have sold it if that mouse could really sing?"
The bartender says "What do you mean, I was here and listened to that mouse sing!"
"The joke is on you and the man who bought that little band", laughed the drunk. "That mouse can't sing. The frog is a ventriloquist!"